


Delusions

by TheAverageDorkYoudExpect



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Delusions, Emotional Manipulation, Fluff, Gen, Jeremy is a Sad Boy :(, M/M, Squip Looks like Michael AU, Updates Every Saturday, some fluff scattered in
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-03-16 16:42:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 14,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13640232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAverageDorkYoudExpect/pseuds/TheAverageDorkYoudExpect
Summary: Everything was different when it was Michael. My internal rules never applied to him. It just reinforced that I would never be good enough for him- and never had been.When I turned again, he was gone. The only thing he left behind was a raw brown gaze, scorched into my memory.





	1. Author's Note

Hi! I would like to personally thank anyone who is actually reading this. It’s my first real multi-chapter fanfiction that I’ve finished and I’ve been working on it for months so yay? And there’s a zero percent chance of it being discontinued since I have it all prewritten. :) (I mean, unless I die or smth)

  
**PLEASE BE WARNED:** This story has some sad parts, particularly notions relating to suicide, emotional manipulation- things like that. Read at your own risk!!

  
How many things does a fanfiction have to reference before it's an AU?? :0 We’ve got them all. Hamilton references, Dear Evan Hansen references, Heathers references, Rent references and a hella lot of Next to Normal references.

  
You also may notice while reading that the timeline is off. Yes, I screwed with the canon timeline a tiny bit. Just try to flow with it.

  
Last thing, the tentative update schedule is every Saturday but I'm not perfect.

  
<3 Sky

 

(Bonus: This was originally only supposed to be half of it. I lost inspiration for the first half so it got scrapped ultimately. But don't be surprised if a prequel part comes out sometime or another.)

  
[BONUS BONUS: I’m just so happy to get this freaking 70+ page fic OUT of my Google Docs!]


	2. Iced Mocha

_**Jeremy's POV** _

"That was _awesome!_ " I exclaimed, excitement bubbling in my chest. It was only the first day of having this Squid-Squib-Squip-whatever thing and I'd already talked to the two hottest girls in school without making a _total idiot_ of myself. I was just so happy it was mine. _My_ Squip. They'd help me. They said so.

A grin split my face as I imagined how surprised my best friend would be. I know he was hesitant of the Squip at first, but he'd want to know about this, right? "I have to find Michael!"

"Michael has left the mall." Michael- well, _Squip_ -Michael commented blandly, their ice-blue eyes stark against tan skin.

I frowned. "How do you know?"

They shrugged. "I can access the mall security cameras."

"So how am I supposed to get home?!" I snapped.

My Squip tsked, like a mother scolding her child. "I _told you_ accepting a ride was imperative!" They burst out and I flinched.  
  
Their eyes softened, and they dissipated without another word.

I turned around in a daze. _What? Where did-?_

"Jeremy!" A familiar voice called out.

"Michael!" I felt a rush of happiness. "I'm so glad to see you! I _knew_ my Squip was wrong when it said you'd left without me."

"Jeremy, dude." He said, speaking with an intentionally solemn tone. "We need to talk."

"We do?"

"Yeah." He confirmed. "Y'know, if this is gonna work," He said, gesturing widely between the two of us. "You need to listen to me. Not just listen though, dude. You have to obey, okay?"

I nodded numbly. "Okay?"

"Okay, now repeat after me, Jer."

I nodded again in a silent agreement and he went on.

"Everything about you is so terrible."

"W-what? Michael, what are you talki-"

He shushed me. "This is why you got the Squip, yeah? Repeat. After. Me."

"Everything about you is so terrible." He said again and I flinched against the words as Michael spoke near my ear. The oddly-comforting traces of weed usually on his breath were gone.

"Everything about me is just terrible." I whispered back.

"Good." He snarled. "Everything about you makes me wanna die."

Those words made me feel sick. Michael, my best friend of _twelve_ years- my _only_ friend- wanted to die because of me. "Everything about me makes me wanna die." I repeated, choking back a sob. I was an awful person. I didn't know he felt like this. I'm supposed to be his best friend. _How did I not know?_

I brought my gaze up to meet his. His eyes were the same deep brown they always were, but devoid of the warmth they once held. I did this to him. His gaze was cold, now. Calculating, as his eyes raked over me. I cowered beneath it, feeling tiny and pitiful as he speculated every detail, scanning every single imperfection.

Every imperfection. Imperfection. _Imperfect._

It was somehow different when it was Michael, though. Everything was different when it was Michael. My internal rules never applied to him. He knew every part of me so it somehow hurt more. It just reinforced that I would never be good enough for him- and never had been.

When I turned again, he was gone. The only thing he left behind was a raw brown gaze, scorched into my memory.

☆     ☆     ☆

The next morning went by in a flash, uneventful other than my Squip banning me from masturbating (which sucked) and the "sex pushups" (which sucked even more). But I guess the supercomputer was just doing its job- and, besides, I was on my way to not being a complete nobody anymore. At least I had that to look forward to.

As soon as I got to school (by "borrowing" Dad's car, which my Squip deemed chiller than the bus or being drenched in sweat from walking [I agreed.]), I couldn't help but try to find Michael to ask him what the hell happened yesterday. He was there one second and then he was just... gone. The whole situation was very bizarre.

But Michael was nowhere to be seen in any of my classes. And as my Squip continued to drone on in Michael's voice, it made it a little easier to forget about my best friend. A little easier to pretend that his voice was talking my ears off about whatever he saw on Discovery and not statistics on how much cooler I was than yesterday.

Surely he was just sick, right? Michael was rarely sick enough to miss school, but nobody can be fully immune. I mean, it would make sense why he ran off so suddenly in the mall yesterday. ...And why he wasn't here.

_Yeah, that must be it._

It was difficult to lie to myself convincingly enough.


	3. Hyper-Aware

The Michael Situation was quickly forgotten about after school. Now it was all about the _Christine_ Situation.

 _“Go to play rehearsal, Jeremy.”_ and _“Ask her if the seat’s taken, Jeremy.”_ and _“I’ve been activating your pheromones, Jeremy. Keep it up!”_

I was steadily becoming sick of it and it hadn’t even been a week yet.

“You were supposed to make her _like_ me!” I screamed at it, fed-up with my Squip’s overpriced bullshit.

The Michael-imposter glared before disappearing, like the coward they were.

And that’s when my best friend showed up, with arched eyebrows and a knowing look.

“Where have you been all day?” I demanded.

He ignored me.

“Girl trouble?” He asked instead, slinging an arm around my shoulder.

I scoffed, leaning into him affectionately. “Don’t even pretend you know anything about girls, Micha.”

He frowned. “Maybe not. But I can still listen fine. Do you wanna talk about it, Jer?”

“No.” I said with absolute certainty.

“C’mon...” He begged with one of those huge hopeful smiles that was impossible to say no to.

“Well, the Squip was supposed to make everything better.”

Michael didn’t even flinch at my official proclamation of it working. I thought he’d like it, being the sci-fi nerd he is. But- do I really even know him at all anymore?

“But-” I went on. “Christine doesn’t even like me. She has a crush on…” I trailed off, not even wanting to relive it myself.

“...On?” Michael prompted.

“ _Jake Dillinger._ ” I spat.

“That’s rough.” Michael agreed, nodding in acknowledgement. “...But I get it.”

“What?”

“I mean, Jake is basically highschool awesomeness personified and you’re just- you’re just Jeremy. There’s nothing special about you and you’re _constantly_ holding people back from their full potential. Buddy, to be honest, it’s really fucking tedious.”

“So, it’s true, then?” I asked, feeling a cool heaviness begin to settle in my gut again. “You really do think everything about me is terrible?”

Michael chuckled. “Of course! Say it with me, Jer: Everything about you makes-”

“-me wanna die.” I chimed in, and the smile on Michael’s face afterward made it all worth it.

“Now you got it!” He exclaimed, clapping me on the shoulder. He started to get up, but I tugged on his sleeve.

“Where are you going?”

The teen brushed me off, walking away with a distinct sway to his gait. “See you later, dude!”

☆          ☆          ☆

Turns out, “later” meant two hours after the fact.

I was at home when Michael showed up. I wasn’t particularly surprised- we were no strangers to visiting each other's houses unprovoked.

But unlike usual, I wasn’t thrilled to see him. He had this new habit of making me feel awful about myself. I felt like my whole life he’d just been lulling me into this false awareness of security.

“Jeremy.” Michael murmured, running his thumbs across my cheekbones and gently directing my gaze to his eyes. “Look at me, bud.”

“Yeah?” I breathed, hardly trusting my voice.

“Repeat after me:”

“I don’t-”

“Everything-”

“-want to.”

“-about you is so pathetic.”

“No-”

Then there was electricity down my spine and I shot straight up, caught off guard. It was over too soon and I might have imagined it, but it did its function- I was wary now.

I complied. “Everything about me is just pathetic.”

“Everyone around you, you make wanna die.”

“Everyone around me, I make wanna die.”

And in that instant, I became hyper-aware of everything. Of the rough fabric of my shirt clinging under my arms and of the insistent branch-shadows creeping up the wall opposite my window and of the crisp, sterile scent coming off of Michael in waves and of the warm welling behind my own eyes.

Michael rubbed the tears from my cheeks with a gentle forefinger. “Boys don’t cry, Jeremy. Don’t be _weak_.” He tutted, petting my hair softly. “Are you going to be good for me, Jeremy?”

I nodded miserably, willing the tears to stop cascading down my face.

“Good.” He commented with a curt nod, reaching to brush the excess off. I shuddered against the emotion threatening to boil over.

“Hey.” Michael said softly, carding his hands through my hair. “You’re my best friend, ‘Miah. I _love_ you. Your Squip and I are work together to make it all okay.”

That should’ve been the first clue.

“Okay.” I said, smushing my face into the warm envelopment of his chest. He pushed me off dismissively, backing up to the door frame.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said with a salute. And then he was gone.


	4. Ticking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hamilton, Rent, and Pokémon references in this chapter... Can you catch 'em all??
> 
> [i'msosorry :')

Tomorrow came and went and, true to his word, Michael visited. And he visited every tomorrow after that too. We had a schedule. I was off and on between him and the Squip, them taking turns revising me in every little way I could never think of. Shoe brands, daily facial scrub, my posture. Things I never would have suspected people cared about or even noticed.

It had been nearly a month, I was steadily climbing the social hierarchy and Michael and I’s relationship was borderlining abusive. It wasn’t only empty words and implications now- It was full-out threats and _pressing_ me to… do things.

Among others, things like dating Brooke.

“Jeremy?” Brooke sniveled over the phone one night, her voice clearly drenched in her own tears.

“Mmhm?”

“C-can I come over? Please?”

“Yeah?” I felt suddenly alert. “Do you need something?”

I could hear her hair brush over the receiver and I pictured her nodding. “I just need someone to talk to and Chloe’s being a bitch so…”

“Sure, do you need directions or-?”

“Yeah, can you just pindrop me through iMessage?”

“Okay.” I agreed. “I’ll see you here?” I went to hang up when-

“WAIT!”

I stopped mid-tap. “W-what?”

“Can you just talk to me until I get there?” She questioned, her voice very small and vulnerable. Holy _shit,_ I was going to have to comfort her, _how-_?

“Of course.” I said, reflecting none of my internal conflict. I fumbled to put her on speaker phone.

“So, uh… How exactly do I send you my address again?”

Brooke let out a watery giggle. “Go my contact and tap ‘Share Location’, you dummy.”

My chest warmed with fondness. “Actually, it says ‘Share _My_ Location’... You’re not as smart as you think you are, huh?”

She laughed and I could hear her car start up in the background. “Shut your mouth, smartass.”

Another few minutes of teasing and just feeling at peace for once, and Brooke was standing at my front door.

“Hiya.” I greeted, nodding to her.

“Hey.” She said, more deflated than normal. Then she leaned up to kiss me fully on the mouth.

It sent me reeling until I remembered and my spirits sank. _Oh right, we’re dating._

“So, u-uh. Come in?” I stammered.

She grinned, having no problem doing just so and daintily sitting herself on the couch. I flopped down much less gracefully beside her.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I gently asked, referring to whatever she’d been upset over earlier.

The blonde scooched closer to me. “You won’t leave me, right?”

“I- uhm…” I began to sweat nervously. I couldn’t lie to save my life.

She sighed. “It’s just that my past three boyfriends have cheated on me with Chloe. Every time, I take her back as my best friend even though she’s treated me like shit and she swears that it won’t happen again.”

Brooke leaned closer. Apparently I missed some sort of social cue because she pulled my arm over her shoulders herself.

“I overheard Jake saying that Chloe’s jealous, but I can’t figure out of what. She has it made.”

I went a full thirty seconds before realizing that Brooke was waiting for me to say something.

“Y-yeah, definitely.” I stuttered, feeling my face heat up.

Her eyes glinted, and she reached up to stroke my cheek. “You’re cute when you blush.”

“Uhh, d-ditto.” The interaction went a lot smoother in my head. Michael would’ve make a Pokémon reference, I bet-

_Okay, Jeremy, focus. Brooke’s your task-at-hand._

“Thanks.” She relayed, her own cheeks turning a tint of rose.

“B-but why would they do that? The b-boys, I mean. Like, leave you? You’re beautiful on the outside and that doesn't even _compare_ to the beauty on the inside.”

She giggled that elegantly-perfect little giggle again. Then she downcast her gaze, radiating sadness. “Yeah, but I’m only second to the Queen of the Juniors. Anyone who can get me can get Chloe too and- Why settle for silver when you have the chance to score gold?”

“Because I’m pale!” I blurted.

“What?”

I realized that this was stupid by that point but decided to run with it. “W-well, everyone knows that whether jewelry looks good depends on skin tone, r-right? So, uh… Since I’m so pale, gold jewelry would look really dumb on me. It better suits like... tan people.”

“Actual tan people or tan in comparison to you? Because tan in comparison to you would just be not-freakishly-pale.”

I grinned. “Either way works. The fact remains that I wouldn’t look good in it. I think silver works much better.”

Brooke leaned into my chest. “Well, I happen to like freakishly-pale boys, lucky for you.” She sniffled, drying the last of her tears. “Thank you. I feel a lot better now. It’s nice to know that someone actually likes me for me and not for popularity.”

I swallowed, coming to terms with everything. _How can I use her like this? What kind of person does that shit?_

“Just never leave me, okay?” She asked, repeating her question from earlier.

My mind was an endless warzone.

 _Don’t lie. Tell her the truth. You don’t like her like that. You can_ **_make_ ** _yourself like her. Don’t do it... But she looks so helpless._ **_You’ll break her heart-_ **

“O-okay.” My stomach flipped over as I lied. I screwed my eyes shut, wanting nothing more than to never wake up and have to face reality again.

☆          ☆          ☆

“You just have to get rid of Michael.” said the Squip a few days later. They’d been trying to push suspicion onto my best friend all week.

“What do you mean, ‘get rid of Michael’?” I asked incredulously. “Aren’t you guys working together?”

The Squip ruffled my hair affectionately. “Oh, Jeremy. You have no idea.”

“What?”

“Besides, I don’t like him any more than you do. He was a good little helper but now he’s just affecting your mood. It’s significantly harder to have you keep progressing as chill when Michael’s all that’s on your mind.”

“W-well, it’s not like we can just kill him!” I yelled, defensive and practically hyperventilating.

“Of course not.” The Squip purred, a hint to its voice suggesting something not-so-innocent. “Just block him from your visual receptors.”

“W-what do you mean?”

“So that you won’t be able to see him.” They said in a _duh_ tone. “It’s called _optic nerve blocking._ ”

“Squip, that sounds _awful._ He’ll be so worried.”

“Better than him lowering your self-esteem only for me to have to build it back up, right?”

“But-”

“You want Christine, don’t you?” They asked in a way that was more of a threat than a question.

I nodded numbly.

“ _Then take this chance!_ ” They snapped, raising their voice.

“I just need a minute to process!” I tried screaming over them.

The Squip paused with breath in their throat, shocked at my outburst.

“Please, just... turn off for a minute, okay?”

It had no taint of hesitance, replying smoothly in an instant. “Of _course_.”

I was met with a familiar burst of color. “Michael?”

His eyes flit away from the floor for a split second before he began to trudge down the opposite side of the hallway.

“Wait-”  I called. “You didn’t talk me today.”

He turned around to face me, hurt flickering in his eyes. “Or any days in the past month... Or have you forgotten?”

I glared at him bitterly, huffing. “Just because you’ve been a dick doesn’t mean you weren't talking to me.”

He opened his mouth but I beat him to it.

“Don’t even try to pretend like you weren’t, Michael!” I snapped, feeling all the pent-up anger from the past month boil over. “I’m really _fucking_ close to taking up the Squip on their offer to block you, you know.”

“The pill??”  Michael’s face lifted a bit. “It works?!”

That was more like the reaction I’d expected from him, but- “You already knew.”

“I did?”

“Yes!” I shouted, frustrated. “You were working together?”

He flapped his hands excitedly, bright pink tongue sticking out. “It doesn't matter! It actually works! That’s so freakin’ rad! Dude, we hafta celebrate! We gotta… get stoned in my basement!”

The Squip reappeared to my right. “Your minute is up, you- _Michael._ ”

“Michael.” I repeated, numb.

“Block him now. Don’t you see this act? He’s trying to take advantage of you.”

I was split in two, Michael on one side and his supercomputer counterpart on the other. The only change was the eyes. One set toffee-brown, one set ice-blue. The only way I could ever tell the difference.

“I don’t know about this.” I tried expressing, beginning to feel sick.

“ **STOP** **_HESITATING._ ** **JUST DO IT. BLOCK HIM.** ”

“Jeremy?”

“ ** _YOU KNOW HOW._** ”

“Why are you looking off into space like that?”

“ ** _HE’S ABUSIVE-_ ** ”

“It’s a little creepy to be honest...”

“ ** _-MANIPULATIVE-_ ** ”

“Jer?”

“ ** _JER-_** ”

“-emy? Jere-”

“ ** _-MY. BLOCK. HIM._** ”

“JEREMY?” I ripped my eyes away from the Squip to look at Michael, who was more than a little concerned. “A-are you coming?”

“ ** _JUST LET ME THINK ABOUT THIS FIRST, OKAY?_** ” I yelled at the Squip, who was still screaming in my ear.

With a squeak of my converse (No wait, they were Adidases now) on the tile, I fled out the double doors of the school. _So much for no hesitance._

By the time I got home, I was panting from running all the way there, although the air had cleared my head a little. But the overwhelming nausea hadn’t dispersed.

I plodded upstairs to my bedroom, collapsing onto my mattress and passing the hell out.

☆          ☆          ☆

“ ** _jEREMY!_** ” The Squip screeched, lurching me to consciousness. I didn't know how long I had been out- only that I was up now.

I shot up in bed to see Squip-Michael who was livid and tapping his foot impatiently.

“I need an **_answer_** , Jeremy.” It was deafeningly loud and Michael’s voice was butchered badly. “ **The clock is** **_ticking._** ”

I was scared out of my mind. “But he isn’t like this, he cares for me and he lo- What happened to him?”

The Squip’s expression softened and their frusteration plummeted in a split-second, only to be replaced with a cold, manufactured sympathy. “Oh, Jer... I’m so sorry. It was all an act.”

I tried protesting softly. “But-”

“He wants to die because of you.”

I focused on the shadows on the wall. They grew as the sun set. “It’s true?”

The Squip tipped his head in mild confirmation. “It certainly wasn’t a lie.”

“I just miss the old him, even if it was fake.”

“You know what you have to do.”

Well, I definitely knew what the Squip _wanted_ me to do.

“He’s better off without you…” They went on. “And you’re better off without him. _You_ can be chill and _he_ can be happy. Just turn optic nerve blocking on.”

“Maybe I can _make_ him happy.” I just wanted to see the light. Michael helped me find the light, to just shut him out like that...

“What?” It demanded, not raising its voice above an eerie whisper. “You’d think he’d _take you back_ after that? After years of dealing with you? He’s finally _free._ ”

The darkness inched up another tick on the wall.

 _“_ There’s no escaping the shadows of the past, Jeremy.”

“Optic Nerve Blocking: On.”

And that night, I cried for what was never there.


	5. Got a Pac-Man Tattoo

“I thought you blocked him.” I accused, shooting the Squip a smoldering look that could kill. My mind repetitively relieved the interaction from last night, word for painful word. Every single “you make me want to die” and “you’ll never amount to anything” uttered from Michael’s lips.

“You were supposed to block him.” I spat again. “Why didn’t you do it sooner? Why doesn’t it work?”

They cocked their head. “For one, I  _ did  _ do it sooner. You just didn’t notice. It was more like a test run. For a more… uh,  _ permanent  _ solution, I needed your confirmation.”

I sighed, resting my head between my knees in exasperation. “Then why doesn’t it work now?”

The Squip flashed their teeth predatorily. “Oh, don’t worry.  _ It does. _ ”

☆          ☆          ☆

It wasn't even light out yet when I decided to pull my laptop out, running one hand over the sleek silver exterior. I powered it on, the screen casting a hazy glow into the dark room. Shivering, I pulled the flimsy blanket tighter around myself as I waited for the familiar URL to load.

My bedroom was pitch black- and so chilly that my fingers were numb- but it was worth it. It seems stupid but this was the only thing I had left. The only routine I could grasp onto that almost made my life seminormal again. Maybe if I could continue with my schedule, I could restore other parts of my old life too. Maybe I could make good grades again. Maybe I wouldn't be so worthless to Michael. Maybe my dad would finally be proud of me.

The video finally loaded and as the achingly familiar noises echoed into the empty room, I could practically feel my face turn red. I don't know what it was about it. It used to be so casual and now I was just so... embarrassed of it. Embarrassed of myself. This was wrong. I should be ashamed of myself, I should-

My thoughts cut off and I went rigid as a bolt of electricity shot down my spine.

"Ow! What the hell?!"

And- suddenly- Michael was there, grinning from ear to ear in a sadistic kind of way. "You  _ know _ I can't let you do this to yourself, Jeremy."

"And why the  _ hell  _ not?"

"You  _ know _ why." He snarled, then rolled his eyes as if the answer should've been obvious. "You disgust me."

I whimpered in submission against the roughness of his voice, remembering the last time I'd resisted. "It won't happen again."

"It better not."

I cried out in pain as Michael shocked me again.

"Posture." He growled, a certain menace to his gaze. I nodded silently, straightening my back as I felt my eyes well up with tears. But, like the other times, I refused to let them fall. I could handle this. The tinge of electricity remained on my spine, but I was stunned silent. I don't know how he was shocking me like that, but at this point it didn't really matter. He was absolutely right. I deserved this.

There was a long pause, filled with nothing but tense silence and static before Michael spoke up again.

"No wonder your mom left you." The voice was soft and careful- each word delicately placed- though the words themselves were harsh and brutal. The contrast almost made it hurt worse. The silence became louder as the seconds ticked by, myself offering not one word.

Michael smirked and- just for a moment- I swear I could see a flash of sharp teeth beneath his lips. "Ah, but you knew that, didn't you?"

Another nod.

"She left you because you were  _ pathetic.  _ Your dad had to pay for you being such a horrible son. If you weren't here, they'd still be happy together. You drove them apart. It's your fault." His voice became increasingly distorted as he spoke but I couldn't tell whether it was just my imagination or not.

I felt guilt clench my stomach because everything that he was saying was true. My mom left because of me. My dad deserves so much more.

His taunts went on and on, striking closer and closer to my heart each time.

_ Worthless. _

_ Terrible. _

_ Such a slob. _

_ Waste of effort. _

_ Makes me wanna die. _

_ Burden. _

_ Better off without you. _

_ Pathetic. _

Michael leaned forward precisely, his voice lowering to an eerie whisper.

"Why don't you just off yourself?"

I swallowed before submitting to him and nodding for the third time that night. But this time I was more certain. I believed in this. This wasn't just to please Michael- this was for me.

"You know what?" He countered. "I don't think you could."

"What... what do you mean?"

"I bet you couldn't even kill yourself properly, you're that pitiful." He sneered in response.

He reached towards me with one hand and I flinched, knowing nothing but fear. Knowing nothing but Michael.  _ Michael. Michael. Mi- _

"Michael!" I whisper-shouted, clutching onto his right arm like a lifesource, my knuckles slowly turning white.

His eyes flushed a chilling blue and I felt the gaze cut to my bone. I scrambled away from him but kept my eyes trained to his forearm.

"But your tattoo..." I murmured, tracing the little Pac-Man on my own arm with one finger. "Michael's tattoo..."

The Squip tilted its head, grinning, absolutely delighted by my confusion. "And I'm not Michael. Or have you figured that out by now?"


	6. Break a Glass, It's Halloween

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two things.
> 
> 1.) This chapter is kinda all over the place. Hang in there.
> 
> 2.) This was supposed to come yesterday! Sorry about that. I went to the movies with a cute girl- which is kind of a big deal considering how freaking socially awkward I am. So yeah, not an excuse... my mind was just a little preoccupied and I completely forgot.

They didn’t mention Michael and neither did I. It was like trying to pick at a wound that hadn’t even scabbed over yet. I thought that I was at my lowest point then.

Unbeknownst to me, the actual lowest point would come a few weeks later in a bout of crippling sadness after the coolest party I’d ever been to.

Halloween night.

In the moment, I couldn’t have been better. I had been  _ accepted _ , for once in my life. That’s all I had ever wanted.

It was only when I stopped to watch the tidal waves of everything that happened did the overwhelming heartache crash down.

My dad deposited a cup of water in my room to “sober up” with. That glass ended up in shards at the base of the opposite wall.

I had only been so angry with Michael because of the contrast. Him acting like he cared. Like he actually  _ wanted  _ to help me. So why did he hurt me? The rift was the most painful thing. I had made up my mind before even talking to him that I wanted nothing to do with him. Let’s just cut all ties while we’re ahead, right?

_...Right? _

Then one afternoon, the supercomputer did say something.

“I haven’t been completely honest with you.” They admitted while I was hanging out after school with Rich and Jake.

I quirked a brow.

“I had originally wanted to get rid of Michael naturally.” The Squip explained. “If I made him abusive then you’d go along with it and I could make him disappear without protest from you.”

“But?” I questioned. I knew they were still hiding something.

“He’s not real.”

I forgot how to breathe for a second. How to hear. How to  _ comprehend _ . “ _ What? _ ”

“ _ Michael _ is a personification of your insecurities, Jeremy. Why do you think he never talks to anyone else? You’ve been  _ alone  _ this whole time, talking to an invisible friend.”

I struggled to swallow, breathing shallowly. “That’s not… t-that’s not possible.”

“And how possible is a supercomputer in your brain who teaches you how to be popular, Jeremy?  _ Do tell. _ ”

**_Fuck._** Why can’t they be non-logical for _once_?

“I don’t  _ care. _ Why should I believe you?”

“Because you don’t have any other choice but to do so.” The Squip shot back flawlessly.

And they were right. This was a weak argument now, but I knew that the real prosecution would come later.

“Jer!” Rich stopped talking animatedly with Jake to face me. “Where have you been? You just kinda… wandered off…”

“Oh, yeah. I, um, actually have to go? I promised Brooke I’d help her with Pre-Calc, so...” I lied and neither of them batted an eyelash.

Rich rolled his eyes. “Yeah, fine. Go ditch us for your girlfriend.”

I flipped them off playfully per the Squip’s instruction.

Go home.

Huddle under comforter.

Cry.

[Repeat.]

It was becoming a regular thing.

“You’d better cry it all out now because in the morning we re-enforce the No Crying Policy.” The Squip reminded scathingly.

“You don't get to tell me what I can and can't do. Look where that got me. Just… D-deactivate.”

I shivered. It wasn't from the cold.

Then three loud rhythmic knocks pounded into my room.

“Yeah?” I called and in walked Dad.

“Did you take my c- Wait, are you crying?”

I shrugged, snuggling further into the blanket.

“Hey.” He said softly, Protective Dad Mode kicking in. I felt the bed dip beside me. “What’s wrong?”

I shrugged again.

“You don’t want to tell me.” He said, more a statement than a question, hurt flashing in his eyes. “I’m not reliable, I get that. I… I know I haven’t been the best father, but I’m here for you. You know that?”

I teared up again. I wanted to tell him. I wanted let it all pour out and just have someone  _ listen  _ more than anything. But, it was impossible.

He slumped after it became clear I wasn’t going to say anything. “Well, I’ll just... get going then.” He said in defeat, reaching the door in a few long strides.

I sniffled. “Wait, Dad. Can we... talk?”

“...Of course.”

☆           ☆          ☆

It was a little pathetic that I was desperate enough to turn to my dad as a friend.

I didn’t tell him everything. Of course I didn’t.

I didn’t mention the Squip, out of fear.

I didn’t mention Michael, either. How could I? On the off-chance that he really was a-  _ y’know _ , then Dad would think I was a freak and then I wouldn’t even have  _ him _ .

Dad left with a, “Well, we’ll see what the doctor says tomorrow.”

And I was alone again.


	7. Reunion

_ 1... _

A breath.

_ 2... _

Another, more precise.

_ 3... _

Another.

_ 4... _

And...

_ 5... _

Another...

_ 6... _

As the time...

_ 7... _

Slowly ticks.

_ 8... _

_ 9... _

_ 10. _

_ I only have to live for another ten seconds. _

_ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... 9... 10. _

Another ten passed.  _ That much closer. _

_ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... 9... 10. _

_ Insomnia. Is. A. Bitch. _

_ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... _

The eight was suspended in my train of thought, interrupted by the opening of a door.

"Jeremy." A voice called.  _ Oh no, no... Not again. _

I threw my hands over my ears, crying out in what must have been hysterics and trying to block out the noise.

"Jer, are you here?" It said again, its seemingly innocent words echoing throughout the vacant house. I whimpered.  _ It was back.  _ It was coming for me. They were going to find me and they were going to-

"'Miah." The anxiety in the voice picked up but I knew it was just a delusion. It couldn't really be Michael.  _ Michael wasn't real. _ But then, it said something that I couldn't make out completely. The sound was muffled because of the hands that still covered my ears.

Something wasn't right. The Squip was  _ never _ muffled. Its voice was always crisp, clear, ringing in my head. Maybe that's why I decided to give listening a chance.

"Jeremy, baby, what's wrong?" was the first thing I heard. I opened my chapped lips to say something-  _ anything _ \- but I only let out another quiet sob, collapsing in on myself. And suddenly, there were arms around me. I stiffened. It wasn't real. I knew it wasn't. It was just the Squip, playing another cruel joke on me. But the body against mine felt so  _ warm _ . It was definitely a new sensation- it hadn't ever been warm before.

He sunk into the spot beside me and I let myself melt into his embrace. It was wrong. I knew it was wrong, but it felt so right to have someone beside me. Someone to hold me. I continued to shake in his lap and 'Michael' pulled me closer.

I finally built up enough courage to look at him. His eyes were tender, caring, but I still flinched, remembering all the times he's fed me awful, awful words.  _ No. _ I remembered on a second thought.  _ The Squip  _ was the one who held the spoon.  _ This _ was Michael. Michael was real and he was here. Pain flashed across his face as he saw me flinch away from him, but he kept his composure, just drawing me close again.

By the time I had calmed down, Michael had tightened his arms around my torso and my head was pressed up against his chest. The steady beating of his heart calmed me, and I relied on the rhythm to keep from breaking down again.

"Hey, Jer?"

I pulled back to look at him, our faces still only inches from each other. "Yeah?"

"What happened to your bed? Why are you sleeping on..." He gestured to the air mattress beneath us. "...this?"

"Oh." I looked around at the spare bedroom in the basement where I was currently staying. "My dad thought it might be easier for me to sleep if I'm not in my own room. With all the memories and all, you know?"

"He knows about..?" Michael tapped his head with one finger and the message was clear.

"No." I immediately answered. "Just... when we went in and the doctor diagnosed me... He said that if it's correlated to trauma..."

"Wait." Michael's stare pierced into mine, oddly solemn. "You actually have insomnia?"

"Uh... yeah. What else do you think I'd be up doing at," I squinted at the alarm clock across the room, "3 in the morning?"

"Jesus, Jeremy." He responded, giving my hand a reassuring squeeze. 

I met his gaze again shyly. Which was ridiculous, considering this was  _ Michael _ . Best friend for twelve years Michael. Michael, who cudd-  _ used to _ cuddle me like a koala at night Michael.

"Do you think that maybe you could stay tonight?"

"Of course." He replied without a beat. "Just..." He trailed off, glancing around.

"Just... what?"

"Don’t you wanna like... pump this up or something?" He asked. I looked around, becoming painfully aware of how flat the air mattress was.

"Oh. Yeah." I stood up, going to get the air pump from the closet as Michael found the air valve.

"Why do you keep it so deflated anyways? My butt was practically on the floor."

I knew the reason immediately, but decided to laugh it off. Until I noticed Michael staring at me, actually waiting for an answer. "I- uh... Feel less alone?"

"What?" He asked, setting up the air pump. I leaned against the wall, waiting until it was done so that Michael could hear me over the noise. He finished and plugged the valve back up. I thought it had been long enough that I could drop the subject but Michael locked eyes with me, still looking for a reply.

I finally sighed, fully defeated. "I can almost pretend that someone else is there, holding me, instead of the mattress. If it were fully inflated, it wouldn't hug me as a tried to sleep."

I finished my explanation, wincing, just waiting for Michael to make fun of my pathetic display.

"Oh, Jer..." He murmured in sympathy, all but barreling me into a hug. I pushed him back onto the bed and laid down beside him, cuddling into his side.

"I had no idea you were so lonely." He admitted.

I hummed in response, too exhausted to say much more.

"It's okay, 'Miah. I'm here."

I giggled, in a rare expression of amusement despite already being half-asleep. "No, you're Mell. You're not Heere."

"I wish I were." He mumbled just under his breath.

"What?"

He didn't answer but I was too tired to care.

And, just like that- curled up on my side with Michael's arms secure around my waist- I finally fell asleep for the first time in days.


	8. Letting Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 12:30 A.M. on Sunday is basically Saturday, okay? :)

I woke up to a horribly familiar face. My thoughts were still delirious with sleep and my vision was blurry along the edges. Why did I let myself sleep? How could I be so _stupid?_

Michael was already awake, looking down at me fondly, his eyes tired- but happy, for once. He ran one hand through my sleep-mussed hair and grinned wider.

...I _knew_ that grin.

_Worthless._

I remembered the words that came out of the very same mouth and pulled myself from Michael's side.

_Everything about you-_

I wish I didn't see the pain in his expression as I did.

_-makes me wanna die._

Once he said we'd always be best friends. "We're never not gonna be a team."

_Terrible._

Now I knew better than to let myself believe it.

_Everyone would be better off without you._

All he wanted was to hurt me.

"You know what you need to do." Michael's voice whispered to me, the _oh-so-carefully_ selected words reaching my- and _only_ my- ears.

"What are you doing here?" I snarled, the aggression in my tone a very foreign concept.

The real Michael raised his voice in defense. "I came here to help you, Jeremy, remember?"

I was caught off guard by that and I let my angry façade slip for just a second. That second didn't go unnoticed by Michael and his frustration with me bled away, only to be replaced by something else. _Desperation._

" _Remember?_ " He begged again, voice cracking.

I hesitated again until the Squip interrupted my thoughts, speaking up from where they'd apparated from across the room. "He’s not here to help you, _I_ am here to help you. He doesn't exist, Jeremy. You're not hurting him."

_But I_ **_am_ ** _hurting him. I can't stand seeing him like this._

"MICHAEL DOESN'T EXIST." The Squip screamed at me, waving their hands furiously just on the brink of my peripheral vision. I felt tiny pricks at the edges of my eyes but I forced it back.

They continued, unaware- or perhaps even unconcerned- of my internal conflict. "He's a figment of your imagination. Think about what you've been through because of him. Let him go and he can't hurt you anymore."

_And why should I believe you over him?_ I asked the Squip silently- still staring at the very-real Michael who sat in front of me on my bed, mouth slightly agape, waiting for an answer- _any_ answer- from me.

"Because I exist, Jeremy.” They approached and trailed deathly cold fingers over my face. “I'm here to help you. Just let me turn on optic-nerve blocking and I can help you sort these _delusions_. Let him go."

"Jeremy-" Michael started.

I cut him off. "Get out."

He only stared back with wide, scared eyes. "W-what?"

"Get the fuck out of my house."

He was clearly conflicted, damaged beyond repair, but still holding his head up higher in spite of it. "I'm not leaving until we figure this out, Jer. I-"

"I want you out of my life, Michael." I stated nonchalantly, like it was something that could be fixed by something so simple. "You're a nobody, you do nothing but degrade my status. I need to... I need to _be more chill_. You're in the way."

"You need popularity to be happy? Who is this? This isn't the Jeremy I know."

"Then obviously you don't know me that well." He flinched at my scathing tongue and deep down I felt a horrible tinge of satisfaction. "Besides, that isn't all of it. It's pathetic that you think I actually liked you. _I_ wasn't ever your friend, Michael. _Pity was._ Because pity is the only friend you'll ever have."

"Why?" He asked, the single syllable coming out in a choked sob. "Why are you so determined to hurt me? I just wanted to help, 'Miah, I just-"

"Everything I've said is true!" I screeched, leaning forward and pulling him up by the shirt collar in a burst of frustration. Frustration with everything. With my life. With the Squip. With _Michael_.

I let him drop back to the bed and my eyes locked with his, his face now red and his breath heavy. He looked more afraid _of me_ than I'd ever seen him of anything else before. The tiny blossom of satisfaction in my gut started working its way into my consciousness as it grew. The thought that I could _enjoy_ this absolutely disgusted me. It added fuel to the flame that was my growing frustration with my best friend. Or- if the Squip were to be believed- my own mind.

"You've been hiding from the truth!" I went on. "No one cares about you, Michael!" My stomach churned as the next sentence came to grasp in my mind but I let it out in an awful string of words before I could second-guess myself. "Everyone would be better off without you. You should just kill yourself so that we can be free of this- this _burden_. I... I wish I'd never met you!"

"I thought you'd changed." Michael whispered, his hushed words a sharp contrast to my screams. His dark eyes gleamed with unshed tears. "What about last night? When you said you were lonely? When you said you _needed_ me?"

"Well, I was lying, obviously." I replied a bit too cockily to make up for the certainty I lacked inside. I paused, hesitating. This was the perfect opportunity to tell him everything.

"I was _lying_ when I said I didn't need you. I _do_ need you, Michael. I _love_ you."

  
  
  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...Is what I wanted to say.

"I was lying when I said I cared." Is what I told him instead, my heart shattering into millions of pieces as his face fell.

"Fine. I'll leave." Michael said in a low tone. He stood up and walked to the door in one swift motion. The boy looked back at me with a final look of desperation, like he wanted to believe it was all just a nightmare. _I know the feeling, Micha._

But I forced myself to stay firm, not giving into the tiny voice inside begging me to apologize and take it all back.

"I'll miss you, Jeremy. I hope this is what you want."

"It is." A voice replied and I couldn't tell whether it was the Squip's or my own.

And, just like that, Michael was gone.

I didn't have the heart to say goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :')


	9. Efficiency

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. It's not a Saturday. But I was out of town and posting from my phone is an absolute mess. Regular schedule continues after this, including next Saturday. (which means that next chapter comes two days from now!!) Without further ado~

"I'm proud of you, Jeremy."

It was the first thing the Squip said afterwards. And it made me feel special. Almost loved, even. Though I knew the Squip was incapable of emotion, they almost seemed...  _ human. _

Even though I felt special, I also couldn't help but feel guilty. "Why would anyone be proud of me?" I murmured, keeping my gaze trained to the floor. Looking at the Squip only reminded me of Michael and how I'd-

"You're 93% more attractive." They said, completely cutting off my train of thought. "I'm proud that I could be the one to oversee your improvement. Besides, you finally banished that silly little delusion from your mind. Now you can be chill and... presto!" They waved jazz hands and smiled that dorky grin of Michael's that I used to love. "Get Christine, the girl of your dreams..."

"But she's not what I want." I protested meekly.

"But she's just what you need..." The Squip explained, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"I'm not happy." I sighed. "Isn't that what life's supposed to be about? Happiness?"

"Life is about success."

I ignored them and continued. "Michael made me happy. I miss him."

"Happiness is just a deception, Jeremy. As is Michael, how many times do I need to remind you?"

"I still don't believe you."

"How do you think I could turn optic nerve blocking on so easily, huh, Jeremy? I just blocked off part of your own mind."

My eyes widened. "You can do that?"

"I'm  _ in your head _ , Jeremy."

"Yeah, yeah, I know but..."

"Yes. High-risk untested nanotechnology from Japan, remember?"

"YES. I GET IT!"

They shocked me and I brought my hand to the base of my spine on instinct. "Ow! What the hell was that for?"

"Never  _ ever _ yell at me again.  _ You _ were the one who implanted me, or have you forgotten?  _ You  _ are the one who wanted to be chill. I am doing what I am programmed to do." They electrocuted me again for good measure. "Got it?" They snarled.

I nodded.

"Good. Now let's get to work."


	10. Freaking Out is My Okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very brief mention of slight-nsfw. (It's like one sentence tho but this is my formal warning)

I laid in the dark, making constellations with the popcorn ceiling, a small smile gracing my lips at the tranquility of it all.

The Squip had promised to turn itself off just for tonight- as long as I willingly complied with the new plan tomorrow. I felt… free.

A knock stirred me and I headed to the window, throwing the curtains open. A figure stood on the roof, a silhouette behind the clouded glass…

_Michael._

For an instant, I was in a suspension of ignorance. I almost forgot everything that happened. Maybe it was a dream when I sent him away. There’s no way he’d come back for me after…

...After all of _that_.

And there was no way it was the Squip. Because it was off.

Which means it actually _was_ Michael- a fact that I felt unimaginably happy with for some unfathomable reason. The Squip was wrong. Michael was real. He was real and he was here.

I couldn’t help the smile that split my face as I opened the window, helping my friend clamber in.

“Dude!” I laughed. “What are you doing here??”

He smiled coyly. “Can’t I visit my favowite pewson?”

In a second, his arm- the one with the unmistakable Pac-Man outline- had shot forward, bunching up my shirt and pulling me close. And then his mouth was on mine, warm and soft and other adjectives I couldn’t describe.

He pulled back, leaving me breathless, and wondering what the hell was happening with us. I grinned despite myself.

“I know you wanted that, you disgusting freak.” He whispered in my ear, his voice sickly sweet regardless of the words.

I shivered.

“Come on.” Within a moment, Michael was outside the window again, climbing down my house with an agility I didn’t know he possessed.

I followed in a daze.

“Now call an Uber.” He ordered, and I obeyed. All the while I was on the phone, Michael was all over me, his hands everywhere and his lips worrying my neck.

I finally hung up  and Michael whined in impatience. “Is it coming?”

I nodded, swallowing. I continued to shudder as Michael assaulted me in kisses everywhere, blanketing me in a feverish warmth.

Until the driveway flooded with light as the Uber arrived.

I opened the car for Michael before following suit and closing the door behind us.

The driver met my gaze through the front mirror. “So, where are we headed?”

 _The abandoned warehouse on 97th street._ Michael mouthed to me and I relayed the information to the driver who smirked.

“The abandoned car factory, eh?” The man laughed. “It was a popular place back in my day. You going to meet up wit’ your girl?”

I nodded absent-mindedly and he snickered again. “I’ve done the same, donchu worry, boy. Though I don’t reckon I know why no one else has fixed the place up.”

I nodded along, not really listening. It was hard to pay attention when there were hot hands and lips all over me.

As soon as we arrived, I tipped the driver and Michael tugged me inside by the arm.

He pushed me against a concrete post immediately, mouth latching onto my collarbone again and hands palming me through my pajamas.

And then, as sudden as it appeared, all of the stimulation was gone. Michael’s warmth. Michael’s hands. Michael’s lips. All gone.

My chest was still heaving and he stared at me, his mouth contorted into a pout.

“How could you do that??” He shouted, an accusatory finger jabbed in my chest. “Why would you touch me, you freak? I don’t want you. I’m not a fuckin’ homo, not like you.”

My mouth gaped. “But you were the one touching me. Michael, what are you-”

“Who would ever want _you_ , loser? You’re awful and selfish to think that. Why would _I_ ever want to be with you??” He turned on his heel.

“Wait, Michael!”

He faced me. “You make me want to die, Jeremy…” He paused for the longest moment, and I held my breath, not trusting myself to say or do anything. Finally, he hummed, a smirk on his lips.

“Let me show you something.”

I followed him again, and he lead me up a staircase. Michael pushed open the door, the chilling night air pulsing through. I shuddered, part with cold and part with anxious anticipation.

He walked all the way to the edge of the roof, stepping onto the ledge. His clothes billowed in the wind and I felt my throat constrict with fear.

“Michael, I don’t think this is such a good idea-”

He turned around to face me, the brightest smile plastered across his face.

It was so unfitting in the situation.

He threw out his arms. “Why not?”

The words were light-hearted and reckless.

And they were the last thing he said before falling backwards into the traffic below.

I screamed so loud that I wasn’t sure it was my own voice at all. It deafened me.

I ran to the edge, praying that this was some sick joke by the Squip and not my Michael.

 _My_ Michael. Did I even deserve to call him that? When I myself was the sole cause of his death?

But it was clear that he was real as I glanced over side of the building. Because his body was broken, pale at the base of the building, scarlet blood pooling around him.

I reeled, throwing up at the sight, heaving an entire day’s worth of food onto the ground.

I couldn’t feel anything. I can’t believe I _killed_ Michael.

I cried for who knows how long, wailing rawly into the night sky.

And suddenly I was falling.

I thought I was falling off the building at first- which wouldn’t have been the crueler fate- until my head cracked against the concrete.

Then everything was gone.


	11. Tears and Shadows

I’m sure many factors had a role to play, but it was ultimately the Squip’s shocks that roused me.

It towered over me, shooting me a murderous look as I sat up. I shielded my eyes from the glaring sun with one hand, looking at the wreck around me. It was cold out, but bright and stagnant. I had been passed out on the concrete and my hands and knees were raw. Tiny fragments of gravel were embedded in my palms like strawberry seeds and my headache alone could probably kill the entire state of New Jersey.

“I reviewed the data from last night.” The Squip said at last in a scathing tone, breaking the silence. The words landed deathly calm and even. “You’re so absolutely _pathetic_ that you can’t go _one night_ without my undivided attention.”

“I-”

“Just _think_ about it, Jeremy!” They roared, fury bubbling to the surface within a split second. It shocked me with a force that it hadn’t ever before. I involuntarily screamed out in pain, screwing eyes shut and clenching fists.

“What would’ve happened if _anyone_ had caught sight of your mental breakdown?!” They screamed, punctuating each new word with another zap. “ _Jenna Rolan_ would’ve known within the hour and then all our work would have been for naught! **_WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!_** ”

“I-i-i’m s-s-sorry!” I wailed, shuddering horrendously and crying my eyes out.

“Stop stuttering!” Squip-Michael yelled, shocking me stronger again until I was sure there’d be a special scar, just from today. “ **JEREMY, DO YOU WANT TO BE CHILL OR NOT?** ”

_What?? I don’t understand! Please! What the fuck?! What’s going on? I can’t think, I can’t breathe. **Do I** want to be chill?? Why did I get this thing? **Why are they hurting me?** WHY? OhmyGod, I can’t breathe. I don’t understand! I don’t understand, I-_

“ **I DON’T KNOW.** ” I yelled aloud, sobs and heaves wracking my body. At this, the Squip finally stopped but I could still feel the burn of electricity all through me.

There was an eternity where I did nothing but sit and cry into my palms until I just couldn’t cry anymore. When I finished, my eyes had been rubbed raw and my body ached from the concrete.

“What do you have to say for yourself?”

I sent them the best death glare I could muster, but fell short regardless. I couldn’t stick up for myself. Not here. Not now. Not when I was so… Helpless.

“My best friend’s dead because of you.” I settled on instead, carrying a raw intention into my tone.

“Your best friend doesn’t exist. I know you’re _stubborn_ and you still think he does, but I can assure you he doesn’t. I can see exactly where your brain created Michael as a coping mechanism. Deep in the right temporal lobe, he was-”

“Stop it, stop it, stop it!” I cried out, interrupting. “He _died_ last night. I saw it.”

“You seeing it doesn’t change the fact that it _didn’t happen._ Check over the edge of the roof, Jeremy.”

I halted, breath hitching. It was a foolproof way to know what really happened. _But do I really want to know?_

“Go ahead.” The Squip urged. “Check. _I dare you_.”

I made my way to the edge and, swallowing, looked down. Just as the Squip said, the sidewalk was predictably bare. _They were right._

“See?” The Squip crooned, coming up from behind and hugging me close. In the midst of stunned silence, I didn’t dare push them off. “It’s been a long morning, Jeremy. Let’s get you home.”

  
☆         ☆          ☆

  
_Ping._

A notification.

I reached for my phone blindly with nothing better to do, quickly unlocking it. (030799- Michael’s birthday. [“It’s cute, dude! This solidifies our bestfriend-ness. We can’t have anyone doubting that we’re super gay for eachother.” “But we’re not?” “That’s just what you think.”] {Though I suppose that was just another part of my ‘coping mechanism’.})

The group chat was miles long and my phone vibrated again every second. I quickly tapped to the beginning of the conversation, starting to skim over it.

**110215- 3:42 AM- Jenna Rolan >> Jake Dillinger, Nicole Franzel, Rich Goranski, Jeremy Heere, Matthew Holtzer, Dustin Kropp, Brooke Lohst, Madeline Pasquier, Sabrina Patel, Dana Phillips, Katrina Scarlet, Chloe Valentine**

**RichSetAFire:** Hey everybody!! rich set a fire on he burned down jakes house @ halloween, forward and set rich as profile pic for support  
**ThatRichIsFlecked:** Woah rlly. he shouldnt get so hifh for a tiny guy  
**GoSpreadTheWord:** hifh?  
**ThatRichIsFlecked:** haha srry fuckin autocorrect  
**GoSpreadTheWord:** #alwaysbeaware  
**HaveYouHeard:** i heard from my sisters boyfriends friend in law that rich fled to bombay  
**LostAtPool:** yea sounds p rite to me lol  
**FlowerPatel:** so,, didnt jake break his legs jumping from the second story or smth  
**JakeyD:** i can vouch 4 that

I dropped my phone to my lap with a sigh, letting my head fall against the wall.

**438 Unread Messages.** _Jesus Christ._

I checked the date. November 11th. This had been sent out on the 2nd. It had been over a week since this all happened.

Freezing slender fingers wrapped around my wrist and I tore my eyes from my phone to glare at the Squip. Then it hit me.

“You knew about this, didn’t you?”

They shrugged. “I may have been aware of the possibility.”

“You made me leave early.” I accused, beginning to wrap my head around it all.

I jerked away from them, disgusted. “This is your fault!”

“What is? The fire? My implantation?”

I froze. _There’s no escaping the shadows of the past, Jeremy._

The Squip clucked his tongue gently. “...That’s what I thought. You have no one to blame but yourself.”

I stayed silent. _That asshole doesn’t deserve an answer anyway, they-_

“You know, that’s one of your fatal flaws, Jeremy. You always blame everything on someone else. You never want to believe that it’s really you who’s the problem.”

“It’s _not_ me who’s-”

“ **Then why does everyone you’re close to leave you?** ”

“...I don’t _know_.” It was so faint I could’ve imagined it.

Squip-Michael stripped me of my shirt without another word, tucking me into the bed like I was a toddler and leaving a numbing kiss to my brow.

I could have mistaken it for my estranged best friend if it hadn’t been for the cold. (The thought made me want to cry.)

“Get some sleep, Jer.” It powered off, leaving me alone with nothing but tears and shadows.


	12. The Price We Pay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, sorry. I was out of town for ANOTHER wedding last weekend. I'll be out of town next weekend too so maybe I'll try to post the next chapter before then?
> 
> This is full of references and really short but, eh.. I kinda like it anyways.

The next morning, after a night of restless sleep, I did everything the Squip asked of me. It was too late now. The shadows had consumed my life and I was one with them. And that’s all I was- a  _ shadow _ of Jeremy 1.0.

And so I went to school obediently and the Squip deposited me by a locker.

**_GET WELL RICH_ **

I grazed my fingertips across the banner. “This is Rich’s locker. But what-?”

“Open it.” They ordered. It wasn’t up for debate.

“I don’t-”The Squip compelled me to reach forward and perform the lock with a simple flick of the wrist.

“ _ Woah. _ ” I lifted a box from Rich’s locker gingerly, brushing off a film of dust in the midst.

“Ladies running shoes? Is this-?”

Squip-Michael smiled cynically. “Enough Squips for the entire school? Why,  **_yes_ ** , Jeremy, it is.”

I gasped softly, opening it to see the hundreds of pills lining the box.

“No.” I whispered. “I can’t...”

They grabbed onto my wrist, fixing me with an intense stare. “Yes. _ You can. _ I found you. I  _ helped  _ you rise above your status. If you help me in return, we can find the true inner self of  _ everyone _ . We can save them.”

I bowed my head, shameful of what I was about to do. The entire student body was going to get Squip’ed, and for what? Because I couldn't stick up for myself?

But then, for a split-second and no longer, I saw the sun. A window of opportunity letting in the light- but it was closing fast. If I didn’t act now, they were sure to restrict me.

I pulled the water bottle from my bag with a special intent, not breaking eye contact with the Squip once.

It droned on without a care, trying to win me over still. _ Playing _ with my weakness.

“I know you’re too blind to see it, but look around you- All your peers are in pain.  _ You  _ can save them.”

But it can’t take advantage of me if I’m only a shadow.

“Maybe so.” I mused. “But you have one key thing wrong.  _ Pain  _ is what makes joy prominent. How could  _ anyone  _ know what true happiness was if they were happy all the time?”

Like it was slow-motion, I raised the bottle of vodka to my lips.

“You don’t want to do that, Jeremy! You can be cool. You can be  _ happy _ .”

“Give me pain- at least I know it’s real!” I snarled out. “...That’s just- That’s the price we have to pay.”

“I’ll be back when you’re sober.” The Squip threatened, like it could do anything to stop me.

I tipped my head back, gulping down as much as I could.

“Then I guess I’ll stay wasted forever.”


	13. Another Bathroom Interlude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shortest chapter of the entire thing, whoop! (sorry this sucks)

I stumbled away from Rich’s locker, disoriented.  Class was a lost cause at that point, so I guessed I’d better go to the bathroom to collect myself. I managed to keep my presence of mind until I got there. But once the door shut, I collapsed in on myself, sobbing as soon as I hit the floor. This was so pathetic. Who even cries in a public bathroom? Me, apparently.

What was even more pathetic is that I don't even know why I was crying. I should _happy_ that the Squip was gone. Something was missing but _I can't remember_. I don't even know what it is that I don't know.

The bathroom door swung open. _Just my luck._ Hopefully it was just some stupid freshman or-

"Jeremy."

_Oh no._

"Stop it, go away!" I screamed at them, taking another gulp from my water bottle.

"Jeremy, are you _drunk?_ " They asked incredulously, crouching down beside me.

I pushed them away. "I can't right now, Squip, I'm sorry. Please leave me alone."

"Wha-? Squip?"

That made me snap, and I let all my enragement with everything tear at them. "YES, GET OUT OF MY HEAD. I HATE YOU, GET _OUT_."

"Okay jeez, I'll leave." They gave in, walking to the door.

"GOOD!” I yelled after the Squip as they disappeared. "Don't bother coming back!"


	14. Apologies

By the time I got to school, I was drunk. That much was clear.

It was the third time this week. The Squip had been getting harsher as the time went on and I had the electric scars to prove it. Sometimes I just needed a break. (Although I'd prefer getting high to drinking any day.)

I even had backup vodka in my water bottle, just in case. I couldn't have them interfere. Because today I was going to do something I should've done forever ago.

My classes went by in a blur. I had no Squip today to spit back answers to the teachers when I didn't pay attention. At one point a teacher sent me to the counselor's, but I ended up just wandering the hallway until the period was over.

I took special care to top off my tipsiness- just enough that the Squip was affected, but I could still think clearly- before setting my plan into motion.

First up- Brooke.

“I know I really hurt you on Halloween.” I said once I’d managed to pull her aside during lunch.

She smiled sadly. “It’s okay.”

“No, Brooke. It’s not okay. You shouldn’t have to pretend it was for my sake.” I gave her a watery smile. “I think we both know that what I did sucked.”

“It kinda did.” Brooke agreed in a small voice.

I brushed a strand of blonde hair from her cheek and forced myself to meet her eyes. “I’m so sorry. I took advantage of you. I wanted to be cool and I thought that you could be a stepping stone to that status. Brooke, that was an absolute shit thing of me to do. I hope that you can understand how truly sorry I am, even if you can’t forgive me.”

She shrugged indifferently. “It wasn’t completely your fault. I convinced myself that you’d be the first boy to actually love me for who I am and have Chloe not- well, anyway. It was naïve of me.”

“I’m sure that some special someone will be lucky to have you, Brooke.”

“You think so?”

“I know so.” I responded, heart-felt. And I truly believed it too.

“I- _Thank you._ And I’ll keep your apology in mind.”

As I wrapped up the conversation and Brooke shuffled away, I caught the next apologee out of the corner of my eye.

“Christine!” I called, waving her over.

“Jeremy!” She burst out with equal enthusiasm, skipping to meet me. Then her face dropped, as if she suddenly remembered something. “Look, if this is about Halloween-”

“No, no,” I assured her. “I completely understand about that.”

Her expression lit back up in an instant. “You do?”

I nodded. “Actually, I called you over to apologize…”

Christine’s perpetual smile faltered a little. “For what?”

“For being a dick-”

“Language!” She reprimanded lightly.

“Fine, _for being a meanie-_ ”

Christine giggled and I went on. “For thinking of you as a goal and not a person. You’re an amazing girl, Christine. And I hope I can get to know you better-”

She gave me a sideways glance, clearly uncomfortable.

“-As I friend.” I finished, smiling at her. “I’m sorry for asking you out, but I… I know I like you much better as a friend now.”

“Hey.” Christine said softly. “Thank you for apologizing and all of that, but for asking me out? Please don’t ever feel sorry for that.”

“What? B-but you-”

“I’ll admit- it made me a little uneasy. But honestly? Even if I didn't reciprocate the feelings, I’m flattered that you liked me like that.”

“W-well, thank y-you.” I stuttered out, flustered.

“Anytime.” Christine flounced away, her skirt swishing around her legs as she went. I felt a little lighter.

Two apologies down. Now the only one left was… Michael. The stakes were higher than ever.

 _You don’t deserve to talk to him. He’s never gonna forgive you._ **_Why even try??_ ** _Just leave him alone- he would appreciate it much more._

I screamed at myself, forcing the voices to shut up.

I'm falling. I'm falling into this awful spiral of depression and self-hate and I hate how I can't stop it. If only one Michael were here to catch me.

But I'll apologize to him today. Michael is empathetic, he'll understand. I'm sure he will. He'll catch me and I'll stop falling and then everything will be okay again.

☆          ☆          ☆

I must have sat boring holes in the back of Michael’s head for half an hour. We shared a physics class. It was so easy- _just slip the note onto his desk._ But the note remained unread in my clutch. My knuckles were white from clenching it so hard.

The teacher turned back to the smartboard and I took the opportunity to tap Michael on the shoulder before I could psych myself out.

**_Michaelhatesyouhe’llneverforgiveyoujustoffyourselfwhodoyouthinkyouareto-_ **

I was out of the classroom slamming the door behind me before I could tell whether or not he’d even noticed.

And then a minute later, I was back into my bathroom corner, shaking against the cement and holding my horrified sobs in with one hand.

"Woah, woah. Are you okay, man?"

_That voice._

I jumped up from the floor, whipping around to face him. "What are you doing here?"

"It doesn't matter. What happened?"

I struggled to subtly wipe my tears away. "Nothing, I just accidentally... uhm... hurt myself..."

"At least it was accidental." Michael muttered. I followed his gaze to where he was already tugging down his sleeves, feeling a sense of alarm pulse through me.

"Michael." I breathed in a single exhale, cupping his cheek. He refused to meet my gaze and I dropped my hand. "Please _please_ don't start cutting again. None of this is your fault."

"Why do you even care? It's not like you would even notice if I disappeared tomorrow."

"Don't say that."

"Well, don't lie then." He challenged. "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"I've been so awful to you." I said instead, skirting the topic. "Why do you care?"

"Because you can't just _stop_ loving someone. Don't you remember when your mom left?"

"Yes?" I answered immediately, wondering where he was going with this.

"You wanted to hate her but... You still love her."

"Yes." I said again without a second thought.

"And I still love the old Jeremy. I know he's somewhere in you, Jer." Michael explained.

"Old Jeremy?"

"N-nevermind." He sputtered. "I doesn't matter, it's stupid really-"

"Don't give me that shit!" I shouted in a surge of anger, taking a step forward. Michael flinched.

I fell back and frowned. "Why are you afraid of me?"

"I'm... not. I used to be afraid of losing you. But seeing you now, I realize- I've already lost you." He paused, looking me up and down before his gaze finally came to a rest on my face. "You're not the Jeremy I love."

That hurt more than I like to admit.

"Why are you even talking to me?" Michael asked, breaking the silence, going back to avoiding my eyes. "Won't I ruin your precious _reputation?_ "

I opened my mouth to console him but hesitated. I was planning on apologizing to him today but I already screwed that up. There was no way I could salvage our relationship. Popularity was everything I had left.

"You're right." I admitted finally, shifting uncomfortably as I tried to convince myself that this was the right choice. "After this, can we just pretend this never happened?"

"Pretending is what you do best." He replied simply, neither answering nor ignoring my question.

"That's not true." I protested weakly, struggling to ignore my already-blurring vision. "I'm not faking this."

"So what do you want me to do about it?" Michael asked dryly.

"I don't know, help me?"

"You're so ignorant, you know that?" He snapped suddenly, advancing on me. "Why would I help you? You already told me that after this you're going to ignore me like you have for months. Well newsflash, Jeremy. It's too late."

"There's no way it's too late."

"You only come crawling back to me when you need it. Do you _realize_ how much of a burden you are? Where were you when _I_ was the one who needed support? What do I get out of this relationship?"

"I'll try to help you, I promise. I'm sorry, just give me another chance..." I trailed off.

He scoffed, shaking his head. "You just don’t give up.  Why should I help _you_ when you're just going to desert me again? You know, this reminds me of the last time we were alone in the bathroom. Didn't I cry, Jeremy?"

"Well, yes, but-"

"I'm not going to be the one to break down this time. I'm not going to let you walk out on me again. This time I'm going to leave you here. Alone. And see how you like being ignored, Jeremy."

Michael whisked away, reaching for the door handle and I felt a sense of panic fill me. If he left, everything would crumble, I would never be okay again, I can't-

" **_Please._ ** " I choked out, making him stop in his tracks by the doorway. "Don't give up on me."

There was a stretch of silence that lasted a lifetime. I was waiting for him, waiting for him to take me back, waiting for him to catch me. Michael was forgiving, no matter how shitty I'd been to him, I'm certain that he'd-

"Goodbye, Jeremy." Michael said as he left, never looking back.

_Maybe I'll let myself fall._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3 chapters left!


	15. Downfall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is more of a prelude to the next chapter than an actual chapter but:

Everybody has a breaking point. This day was mine.

I headed to my bathroom the moment I stepped into my house.

I don't know how long I stood, watching myself in the mirror, envisioning what the world would be like without me.

Hours, maybe. Years. Decades.

Just weeks ago, I was okay. But everything has changed. Faster than I could stop it.

My thumb hovered over Michael's name for an eternity. But I'm a burden. He said so himself. I'm so selfish for even considering relying on him.  _ So so selfish. _

I held the bottle up to the light, squinting. How can something so small be so major?

There's no going back now. I'm too far fucked.

The only one I'm alive for I'm dead to anyway. Why not just-

_ Please! Catch me before it's too late. Catch me before it's too- _

The front door slammed open. "Jeremy?"

_ Too late. _


	16. Be You

**_Michael's POV_ **

**111715- 7:20 PM- Michael >> Jeremy** ****  
**PlayerOne:** Hey Jer? Sorry about earlier. R u ok?   
_Read 7:33_

It was nearly 8:30 when I shook my head, glaring down at the tiny screen before throwing it to the ground in frustration. For a moment, I almost felt bad. I mean, I didn't want my phone to feel guilty, it's not like the little guy did anything wrong.

Then I groaned as realization struck me. This is why I was a loser, I was freaking considering the feelings of an inanimate object.

It was almost concerning though. I mean, Jeremy had been ignoring me for months on end now, why should I care? Right? But when I texted him, even though recently- more often than not- it was negative, I still got _some_ kind of a response. He wasn't the kind of person to leave you on read. I would even feel better if he sent the ever-creative "fuck off." But no response? That was... unusual... and definitely unsettling.

I sighed, caving into the fact that I would inevitably be checking up on him later. It's not like I still cared about him or anything. Not like I still _loved_ him. Nope, I was just a normal heterosexual bro making sure that my exbestfriend wasn't, like, getting some girl knocked up or something.

Not that I would care if he was. His choice for passing my beauty up.

Grabbing my keys and signature red hoodie on the way out, I managed to keep my composure in the short drive to Jeremy's.

I let myself into the house with my spare key- which I was surprised Jeremy hadn't revoked my privilege to- and stepped onto the creaking wooden floorboards.

"Jeremy?" I called upon entering. The only response I got was muffled sobs echoing through the house. My heart dropped. Jeremy wasn't a very openly emotional person, for him to be crying like this-

"Jeremy?!" I shouted, tearing through the house to the upstairs bathroom. I pounded on the door.

"Let me in."

Several heartbeats passed in near-silence, Jeremy's sobs dying down in his throat. Finally, he sniffled, the sound barely audible through the wall. "...Micha?"

"Yes. It's me, Jer. Just let me in."

"I can't... You hate me."

"I don't hate you, buddy. Just please unlock the door, we can work this out, okay? How does that sound?"

"Good." He responded after a while, his voice cracking. "That sounds good."

There was a shuffling before I could hear his body crash to the ceramic.

"JEREMY?"

 _"Dizzy..._ " A faint voice responded, strong enough to be convincing but weak enough to be concerning.

I threw myself against the door without a second thought, my eyes swimming in tears immediately as I heard the wood splinter beneath the impact. I may not be strong but I was doing it for Jeremy- not caring that it ached more every time I hit the door, not caring about the bruises that would be left behind or the massive headache that I would nurse later. All that mattered was Jeremy- my crush of five years, but- more than that- my best friend of twelve who had been by my side through thick and thin.

When I finally broke into the bathroom, he was sitting on the tile floor by the sink, his back against the wall. His pale gaze met mine and he bit his lip in the way he always did when he was trying not to cry.

"Is it really you?" Jeremy whispered, his voice hoarse.

I nodded, too overwhelmed to say anything. I neared him but stopped as something caught my eye. _No..._ Anything but _that._ In the basin of the sink, an orange pill bottle.

Empty.

It was a tiny thing, made of cheap plastic. But it held a horribly greater truth. I picked it up, absolutely stunned. I turned to Jeremy as soon as my mind caught up with my emotions, eyes frantic. "How many did you take!?"

He brought his gaze down, ashamed, and murmured something so faint I almost couldn't hear. "All of them."

" _Oh God..._ " I cursed, my voice but a whisper against the deafening silence.

I pulled out my phone immediately and called an ambulance before going back to Jeremy. He flinched, just like he had every time I had seen him in the last several weeks. I'm not going to lie- it hurt at first when he started flinching at just one glance of me. The trust that our friendship was built on was eroding away and that scared me more than anything. But none of that mattered now.

I pulled his frail body into my lap with ease. He whimpered, burying his face in my shoulder and looking smaller than I had ever seen him.

I almost wanted to laugh at the irony of it all but instead broke out into uncontrollable sobs, holding Jeremy's head to my chest. I had always been the suicidal one. And here I was, cradling my dying other half in my arms.

How... _ironic_.

He shifted, wrapping his arms around my torso and I clung to him, afraid to let go. I pulled back as I felt something, silently slipping it from Jeremy's pocket.

A simple sheet of paper, crisply folded.

"What's this?" I began to unfold it but Jeremy stopped me, taking the paper gently and reaching up to set it on the counter.

"It'll be b-better to read it after..." He tried explaining. "A-after..."

I cut him off. "A suicide note?! You _planned_ this!?"

It hurt that he didn't trust me enough to tell me. But, even more than that, I felt guilty that I hadn't noticed. I'm supposed to be his best friend. _How did I not know?_

Jeremy started to say something in defense but I wasn't listening. "I can't be happy without you, Jer. How could you do this??"

"I h-had to." He said, his voice shaking and horribly stuttered. "A-all I ever do is cause p-pain. And I know..." he took another breath, composing himself.

"I know it's going to hurt for a while, but it'll be w-worse if I stay. I'm the reason you wanted to k-kill yourself."

"What are you talking about?"

"Everything about you makes me wanna die." He said, for the very first time completely certain of his words, as if reciting something.

"Who told you that?"

He met my gaze evenly. "You."

I hadn't even realized I was crying again until I felt the warm tears streaming down my cheeks. "I would never, Jer. _Never._ Everything about you is _wonderful._ I love everything about you. Your personality. The way you're always there for me. The way you always know when I'm upset and cheer me up. Your awful jokes." I paused, laughing and sobbing all at once, and even Jeremy smiled. "Your dimples." I continued, poking at his cheeks. "Your stutter. Everything. Jeremy, I... I love _you._ "

He burst out crying at this, throwing his arms around my neck and pulling himself closer again. "L-love you, too, Micha." He whispered into my ear. And, for the millionth time that night, Jeremy was the only thing that mattered. I made it my goal to make sure he _knew_ how much he was loved.

"I love you so much, Jeremy. You're my favorite person. I could never live without you."

"You- you're gonna h-have to." Jeremy responded, mumbling over his words. I shushed- but didn't contradict- him, and merely cradled him in my arms silently. We were both sobbing messes at this point. I perked up as I heard the wailing of a siren in the distance, praying to some unknown god that Jeremy could hold on at least until the paramedics got here.

I ignored the way Jeremy was shivering in my lap, ignored the way his racing heartbeat matched mine, ignored the way he began to pale, a cold sweat gathering at the bottom of his hairline.

...Until I didn't.

"Jeremy..?"

He didn't answer but instead pressed his lips to mine. I was taken aback but kissed back gently, absentmindedly fiddling with his hair for about three seconds until Jeremy broke away with shuddering breaths.

He had a weak smile when he pulled back. "I've always wanted to do that."

I smiled back at him through my tears, though my eyes remained sad.

"Me too."

The boy turned away from me suddenly and coughed, tiny droplets of blood flying from his mouth, decorating the bathroom tile in scarlet spatters.

"JER." I cried out, pressing a kiss to his temple and never pulling away. We stayed like that for an eternity, Jeremy huddled in my lap, my face buried in his hair, holding onto him like the world depended on it.

And, in a way, it did. My world was broken without Jeremy.

"Don't... stay sad." He murmured, his voice getting fainter with each word. "Be you."

"I love you." I said again, never moving, hardly breathing.

And in just one sole moment, something happened to my world...

**_It broke._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter. :’)


	17. Something

It was almost as if nothing mattered beyond that. Jeremy was my Player Two. He was the only one I could truly be myself around. Now everything was just plastic. Me putting on a show for the rest of the world to watch.

I put off reading Jeremy's suicide note for as long as I could. I didn't want to be reminded of that horrible night, didn't want to again feel the drowning rush of guilt from not being able to save him. _I should have known._

There came a time, though, where I couldn't put it off for any longer. Jeremy wanted me to read it. It would be selfish of me to keep it tucked away for all time.

And so, a couple weeks later, my burning curiosity finally overcame the tides of guilt. Just long enough for me to unfold the letter.

Like most things, the first thing I noticed about the note was the blemishes. Crinkled paper from being in Jeremy's pocket, tear stains, a single pinpoint of blood in the corner. _Tear stains. God,_ I should have been there. He must have felt so alone. Maybe if I had been just a little more observant, a little more of a friend to him... None of this would have happened.

I broke down as soon as I saw his handwriting. The same handwriting that wrote me letters in blue crayon every day when we were too young to have phones. The same handwriting that wrote me that very first note, which would forever change my life: "Wil u be my freind?" with two checkboxes, marked yes and no.

And now, the same handwriting that he used when he was so broken he decided he needed to die.

" _Michael, my Player One,_

_If you're reading this, it means that you exist. It also means that I've finally given up. I want you to know that I can never be more sorry, Michael. Not for anything else. I don't know how to express how sorry I am in words. For doing this to you. I wish I was just a little stronger.  
_

_I know that this is going to be hard for you when I'm... gone. But it would only be harder if I stay. On the plus side, I can't cause you any more pain, right? This is the final thing, Michael. After this, I can't hurt you ever again. After you get over me, there's nothing else I can do.  
I don't know if you're you anymore._

_I don't even know if Michael exists. For all I know, Michael could only be some part of a fake backstory created by the Squip. But I refuse to believe that. I want to believe you exist, Michael. It's... hard for me to think about the possibility that you don't._

_I have been thinking a lot about how to write this to you. And what to write, in general. You deserve an explanation. It's difficult because I can't sort my thoughts. I don't know what was real and what was in my head. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but the Squip- they looked just like you, Michael. It told me that it wanted to die because of me. I thought it was you and I felt unimaginably guilty.  
_

_It got to a point where I couldn't sort the Squip from my dreams from reality. If I ever said anything to you that implied I hated you, I’m so fucking sorry. I was going crazy inside my own mind. I didn't know what I was saying half the time. What I was thinking, even._

_I could never hate you, Micha. In fact, I loved you, did you know that? I think I knew all along but I'm only realizing it now. I can't stand the thought of being in love with a hallucination, though. Which is why I can't stay to act upon these feelings. After everything, I don't deserve to love you. But please know that I once did._

_As for my suicide, I'm so sorry I have to do this. It breaks my heart but this is the only way. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what's true. I'm doubting everything. Maybe my whole life is just one big fucking lie. At this point it wouldn't surprise me._

_Tell my father I love him. Tell him not to worry. Tell him he did all that he could- this was inevitable. And try to keep him company, okay? He's going to need it._

_For a final thought, I want you to know that you'll always be my one and only player one. No one could ever replace you. I just want you to do a couple things for me. Make sure that people don't pity me. That's not what I want anyone to remember me as. And don't feel guilty. Please. This was my choice and nothing you said could have affected me. And, most of all, be happy. Like your favorite, Bob Marley, once said, "When one door is closed, don't you know, another is open." Maybe our door is shut forever, but don't feel weighed down by me, Micha. Be open to new opportunities. All I want is for you to be happy. Don't be unhappy because you feel like you have to be. Just be you._

_I am more broken than you can ever know._

_Jeremy_ "

"I am more broken than you can ever know." That was a lie though. I knew because I was just as, if not, more, broken than Jeremy could ever be. All I wanted to do now was to die. But something held me back. I knew how incredibly disappointed Jeremy would be.

Love _d_ , he wrote. Not love, _loved_. It's a hard concept to grasp in my mind. It's almost funny how just one letter added to the end of a word could be so hope-crushing. And it would be, in any other circumstance. The exception was that my last memory of Jeremy was when he told me that he loved me. Maybe he didn't know before the Squip. Maybe he didn't know while writing the letter. But he was sure as he was dying. And what else could I do but believe him?

And that was another thing. _Last memory._ I had almost been in denial until now. That was the last time I'd ever talk to Jeremy. The last time I'd ever see him smile. Kiss him. Hold him. Be with him at all. This was just the end.

"Just be you." Jeremy said in the letter. "Be you." Jeremy said, his dying words. But I am anything _but_ me. I don't know who "me" is. And, yet, I tell myself, I must try. If not for my sake, at least for his.

Maybe there is some part of me who can survive in this world without Jeremy. Maybe I just haven't found him yet. The thought is almost reassuring. And it isn't everything, but it's...

_...Something._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn, I didn't cry. Should I be proud of that? My eyes watered, but no tears escaped, so IT DOESN'T COUNT. I'm strong. I don't cry over fictional characters. Ever.
> 
> Lol. If only that were true. (I'm looking at you, Mr.StrangerThings :/)
> 
> Thank you for reading this fic, I'm so happy I finished after so long. I love you all!!


End file.
